The Bunnies made me do it!
by OzRatbag2
Summary: A series of short stories, some are SS&HG, others more generic. A couple are in the same universe as At Any Moment. All were written in 30 minutes or less as part of an LJ Community - 30 Minute Fics.
1. The Bunny Made Me Do It!

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
**RATING:** R (For sheer lunacy)  
  
Hogwarts Castle was awash with mystery. Things were happening and no one could answer the most pertinent question. Who or what was responsible for the plethora of odd relationships cropping up around the castle?  
  
Well...  
  
Plot!Bunny in his capacity to truly think up vile pairings with which to taunt his compatriots joined forces with Ideas!Bunny, who in turn looked to Squick!Bunny and Yuck!Bunny for those pairings that were guaranteed to have Reader!Bunny reaching for Bucket!Bunny. If this wasn't bad enough, Homophobic!Bunny and Mysoginist!Bunny were busy trying to work out who could Out-Squick!Bunny the other, the most. All in all, it could quite simply be called Revenge of the Bunny!Bunny.  
  
Snape!Bunny, Harry!Bunny, Draco!Bunny, Ron!Bunny and Peeves!Bunny were starting to get some help from Experimental!Bunny, who also thought Albus!Bunny, Moody!Bunny (who could be a real bastard when he wanted to be), Hagrid!Bunny and MWPP!Bunnies were sorting out the finer points of Au- Natural!Bunny versus KY!Bunny.  
  
The Female!Bunnies were busy watching Twister!Bunny as she moved stealthily whilst devising new and interesting Positions!Bunny in an attempt to hang on to Creative!Bunny. All in all the only bunny that seemed most in control, was What-A-Bloody-Mess!Bunny and Is-This-Squicking-You-Yet?!Bunny.  
  
Femmeslash!Bunny and Dyke!Bunny couldn't be prised apart, which was interferring with their tutoring of Pansy!Bunny, Hermione!Bunny, Ginny!Bunny and Minerva!Bunny. Meanwhile Hooch!Bunny was getting it on with I've-Got-The-Shits!Bunny, because Sprout!Bunny had decided that Squid!Bunny had all those delicious tentacles with which to have some fun with Self- Stimulation!Bunny.  
  
Squid!Bunny, Hagrid!Bunny, Buckbeak!Bunny, Nagini!Bunny and Dobby!Bunny were getting up Close and Personal!Bunny to aid in an attempt to understand Attraction!Bunny and the resultant round peg square hole of Animal Lurve!Bunny.  
  
Hermione!Bunny, Snape!Bunny, Draco!Bunny, Ron!Bunny and Harry!Bunny all sat around waiting for Canon!Bunny to make up her mind as to which Pairings!Bunny would be more attractive to Reader!Bunny and Book- Buying!Bunny.  
  
Meanwhile Albus!Bunny, Severus!Bunny, Hagrid!Bunny and Minerva!Bunny were trying to work out if Quality!Bunny was overrated when put up against Quantity!Bunny. Jury!Bunny gave all short shrift by declaring Null and Void!Bunny the winner when Quantity!Bunny and Quality!Bunny got entangled with the Shag-Fest!Bunny.  
  
George!Bunny and Fred!Bunny were busying pointing out to Charlie!Bunny, Bill!Bunny and Percy!Bunny that Happiness!Bunny really enjoyed getting his rocks off with Family!Bunny.  
  
Meanwhile Fudge!Bunny and Lucius!Bunny were trying to interest Voldemort!Bunny, Nearly-Headless-Nick!Bunny and The-Bloody-Baron!Bunny in the shocking news that that they had the inside running with Dark- Arts!Bunny on how Ghost!Bunny could join in with Alive-And-Kicking!Bunny.  
  
Filch!Bunny, Crookshanks!Bunny and Mrs Norris!Bunny were busy keeping quiet about their Menage-a-trois!Bunny and Fawkes!Bunny was just helping Voyeur!Bunny enjoy the show by using I-Spontaneously-Combust-in-almost- every-bloody-story!Bunny as backup.  
  
All of which left Author!Bunny wondering how on earth she could separate Dead-or-Alive Sirius!Bunny from Wormtail!Bunny and so help the MWPP!Bunnies to rediscover their Close-Friendships!Bunny and latch onto the joys of Lily!Bunny and/or James!Bunny.  
  
Reader!Bunny effectively stopped this little manoeuver by grabbing Keyboard!Bunny from Author!Bunny and introducing it to Steel-Capped- Boots!Bunny.  
  
Enuf Sed!  
  
**AUTHOR NOTE:** Originally posted to 30 Minute Fics, an LJ community for Harry Potter Fanfiction of all shapes and ships. Many thanks to LeoGryffin for setting up, running and moderating such a great community.  
  
I've been absent of late. An altercation with a hospital bed left me with a fractured ulna and cartilage damage. The bunnies buggered off (**_At Any Moment_** Bunny being the one I've missed the most) and I'm hoping that posting these tidbits might help them surface again. My hand is all better now and I can type again. It was becoming trying to do it all one-handed. 


	2. Tailed

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**_Tailed  
_**  
I cannot believe she's at it again. One would have thought that that stupid House Elf nonsense would have seen the end of her meddling. But no, she has to butt into my fun now and enough is enough.  
  
I've started to enlist some help and between the three of us, I dare say we'll have a few good ideas. Now all I have to do is find a way out of the dormitory and it's all plain sailing from there.  
  
We are, the three of us, the most unlikely of allies. I still don't trust the others - it's an old distrust, born of being bested time and again, but if this new venture of hers is accepted, then it's the end of my fun and i really can't have that.  
  
I won't put up with it!  
  
I know I sound petulant and spoilt, but it comes with the territory. I know I have my faults, but they're my faults and I'm quite happy to have my every need pampered, but when someone seeks to stop my sport...well, enough said.  
  
The others are in complete agreement with me and we held our last meeting in the kitchens, where we quite happily mixed business with pleasure.  
  
No one will be safe if this gets put through the castle and I refuse to be a laughing stock from the Slytherin coterie. I'm very wary of traversing the dungeons now, but 'she who must be obeyed' seems to quite often have business with Snape...and she doesn't look unhappy either.  
  
Now I really have to find the others. I have an idea of how to stop this ludicrous proposal and it all hinges on the twin tenets of guilt and blackmail.  
  
If I could work out how to spring my trap, well, let's just say that she flushes at the slightest thing and I'd just need to drag, err...convince the others that we need to ensure that the dungeons are watched.  
  
I think I can manage to create some sort of diversion and while it all comes together and we three wait it out, there is always the chance to practice our sporting endeavours in an alien and relatively untouched territory.  
  
I must say, I'm rather looking forward to the concept of catching her in her own sort of 'sport' and she'll rue the day she tried to dictate to me.  
  
Perhaps I can get Filch to catch the pair of them. The news would be all over the castle in three seconds flat.  
  
Oh yes, this is getting more delicious by the minute.  
  
I must away, for the spell cast to give me an understanding of human speech will shortly go and I can't dawdle. I have to find the boy's owl and that mangy old stray...and then we can plan.  
  
Yes...plan and scheme and if all goes well, catch some fat, juicy mice who just wandered into the wrong corridor at the wrong time.  
  
She really has misjudged me, but that's to my advantage, and I am after all a cat who has always planned my own care.  
  
Later...  
  
Oh that was just too delicious! Caught red-handed and very red faced the pair of them. I didn't know one could study potions from a horizontal position and I dare say Filch will have already spread the news. Hedwig said she'd tell the boy and all the school owls. Now it's my turn to tell all the other cats. Mrs Norris and I split the last mouse on who would be forced to tell the Slytherins that Snape and my human mistress were conducting their own independent 'research study'.  
  
I must go and suck up to Fawkes. He is the second biggest gossip in the castle and he'll tell me every revolting detail.  
  
I can't wait!

**AUTHOR NOTE:** Yes it's SS/HG finally you all shout. This was originally written for LeoGryffin's LJ Community 30 Minute Fics.


	3. Bound

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**_Bound  
_**  
No one ever said I had to do what they wanted; what he wanted, but I let myself be bent, abused, and cajoled into allowing the transgression to occur and no one was ever going to be wise to my supplication. I'm just an old diary, brass edges and an old obscure date to make one wonder at what possible sinister overtones I could convey. As much as she was used, so was I. I held within my pages the tools necessary to hold an evil I don't think I can categorise, and that alone scares me.  
  
He said I could be his tool, a great secret in a hall of lies, and he was right too. I was imbued with a certain amount of thought, but chained by the inevitability of knowing that I was merely a puppet of evil. How could I have not seen or felt the manipulation of my pages. Alas, I did not see his evil for its calm and methodical planning and I have as much, if not more to feel guilty about regarding my acceptance of my fate.  
  
He said I would be great, that I would herald a new identity into the Wizarding World, that I'd be held aloft as an example of the brilliance of one to market a new process of sentient thought. What he neglected to tell me was that I was to play a part in luring an unsuspecting child to commit the most grievous of crimes, all as fanfare for a Wizard long dead, whose 'toys' should have been sliced for ingredients long ago. The old man with the beard knew of me, but did nothing. He allowed the manipulation to continue, as though some prophecy needed to be fulfilled - but at what price. Is the life of a child worth so little that to interfere means naught but a small wrinkle on blind objectivity? It is something in my limited capacity that I cannot answer, but she knew I knew and that hurt me all the more.  
  
The boy was curious, but my creator had plans for him and I could scent his disgust as it oozed from the pores of my compressed paper form. He was angry to be taken or discarded by the girl; a price for which many could have potentially paid a price. But he was the clever one; create the need, fulfil the emotions with taunts and brainwash her into believing that to discard me was heinous and not fulfilling the natural order he had pre- ordained. She believed him and though a message would have been of great benefit, he knew I was trying to help her and he was not happy.  
  
When the Basilisks tooth punctured my leather sheath and spilled the grime of ink laden blood from my pores, I felt light, as though a great dim secret had been washed from my pages. Even rendered ugly and tattered, I sensed a change for good and the boy was happy to see the ink run foul about my edges. I doubt he will ever know that in that short moment of thought and action, he saved me the task I had promised myself, the task I wanted but could never achieve. I could not destroy myself and even as I sit in a glass lined case as an odd reminder of evil, none shall ever really know just how grateful I was to be expunged and freed from the circle of evil I was forced to endure.  
  
I am what I am, Unhinged, unbound and undone. I could not wish better of my fate. I am a reminder of evil's ploys and sufficient cause to ask those who would pursue the light to remain ever vigilant against the rank stench of evil.  
  
**AUTHOR NOTE:** This is very much a 'what if' story. What if Riddle's diary sensed the evil intent and somehow fought against the restrictions placed upon it as an inanimate object?

Written for challenge #16 at 30 Minute Fics, an LJ community for short stories of all shapes and ships in Harry Potter. Many thanks to LeoGryffin for setting up, running and moderating this great community.


	4. Practice makes Perfect

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**_Practice makes Perfect_**  
  
Often one could muse that the odd irregularities of life can sometimes lead to a perfect conclusion. Today would prove no exclusion to this random thought.  
  
On leaving his chambers, Severus Snape made his way to breakfast in the Great Hall. This was not, in and of itself, unusual.  
  
Severus took his same seat at the Head Table, defied anyone to draw him into a conversation with a characteristic sneer and proceeded to demolish a full cooked breakfast.  
  
Of course he did not count on receiving mail; an odd occurrence at the best of times. Nor did it improve his temper to be hit in the back of the head by a volume of unknown origin.  
  
That it was addressed to him, wrapped firmly in brown paper and string, just added to the aggravation factor. He had neither requested, nor ordered anything recently, so the _'bloody bird'_ obviously had some personal vendetta to fulfil.  
  
Now Severus was not normally what one might term a curious man. Snarky, sinister, horrible and bigoted were all familiar caveats applied by the student body, mostly out of earshot, but sometimes he got lucky and caught the little bastards mid sentence.  
  
Severus was curious about this mysterious package and having gained a headache and lost his appetite, thought that he may as well find out what lay within the projectile.  
  
Hastening from his seat and grateful it was a Saturday, Severus moved swiftly to his chambers.  
  
Seating himself in his favourite armchair, he reached for his wand and untied the package.  
  
_'Holy Shit! This has to be some sort of macabre joke'_, he thought to himself.  
  
The volume had revealed its nature and Severus was left with an uncomfortable feeling. Actually, it wasn't uncomfortable...more arousing. _'Yes that's the word I'm looking for'_, he was thinking...well he wasn't really thinking about much of anything other than the action displayed under the garish title of the book.  
  
**_Sex for Clueless Wizards_** in an astonishingly bright magenta hue greeted his headache, tangoed with his arousal and left him feeling confused.  
  
_'Who on earth would send something like this to me?'_ For all his musings and the declaration that all in all, he was an intelligent man, opening the cover to view the frontispiece meant he had to drag his eyes away from the action on the cover.  
  
_'I'm jealous of a bloody gimmick'_, he thought to himself.  
  
He turned the book over to have a look at the blurb on the back cover and nearly dropped the volume in fright. An earthy moan had started as soon as his hand moved across the copulating caricatures on the front cover.  
  
Unsure of his next move, Severus thought he might just open the cover of the book and see if...umm...err...well - if there was a message for him. The thought that the moaning might start again was a side issue; a pleasurable side issue, but he might just be able to achieve some sense of nirvana...if only for a moments indulgence.  
  
He audibly gagged when upon opening the front cover, a rather familiar voice said...  
  
"Hello, Severus. I can call you Severus, can't I? So I suppose you're wondering why the Know-It-All suddenly got into the writing business. Well, it's a long story, one I hope to be able to deliver personally to you...soon. Suffice to say, I needed to find a way to pay for my university education and as we all know - Sex Sells. Actually it sells really well and I shall be with you shortly to show you just how well I took my lessons to heart."  
  
**AUTHOR NOTE:** Originally written as a 30 Minute Challenge fic, but I did continue this one...though not at FF.Net. Somehow even I knew that there was only a certain limit to how loosely one could stretch an R rating. :)


	5. Interlude

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
**_Interlude_**

Hannah and I just can't seem to stop ourselves.  
  
I can't stop thinking about her and the way she allows me to explore her, touch her and manipulate her. She seems destined to think of me as stupid, though I suppose I don't mind so much if she keeps her legs open and her mouth shut.  
  
Harry seems really on edge, though given that He Who Must Not be Named is more active and the fight for the Wizarding World is at stake, I suppose I can't really comment on his lack of joy for life.  
  
Hannah even offered to help him 'escape' for a while. I'm still a bit pissed off about that, but she offered to let me watch and if Harry was agreeable and wanted to join in the escapism.  
  
I wonder if Harry would be interested?  
  
Me, I'd prefer to see if Hermione wanted to join in. I did offer to help her over the virginity slumps, but she got really pissed off with me. I just will never understand her compunction to caress books instead a bloke...unless of course she might be interested in caressing Hannah while I watch.  
  
I might just suggest it to her.  
  
Later...  
  
The bitch bloody kicked me in the kneecap, in the Great Hall and just missed Hannah's head by inches. For fucks sake, if Hermione had managed to make the target she was after, well Hannah might have, you know - bitten me...and trying to explain that to Madam Pomfrey - well it just makes me want to suck my balls up into my throat at the thought.  
  
Thank Merlin Hermione sucks at anything sport orientated!  
  
I mean I did ask her nicely but she yelled at me and then told me she'd never heard such a revolting prospect as I was offering, and how dare I think that she'd give it up to someone who had shagged everyone in the upper sixth and seventh year classes.  
  
Then she asked me if she was ruining my perfect record. Well, she is, but it wasn't like I was going to tell her that - well not until afterwards at any rate.  
  
Hermione - hello! The blokes aren't lining up to shag your brains out. I'm as good as it's going to get for a while, so you may as well just chill out and let me _'help you'_.  
  
She got so angry with me. I should have remembered to just shut up or get her in a moment when she couldn't reduce me to a pile of dust with one quick flick or her shrews tongue.  
  
All she did was look at me like I'd suggested she offer herself willingly to Voldemort as a Virgin Sacrifice. Eurgh...that thought alone is turning my stomach.  
  
Hannah keeps telling me I'm hung like a Hippogriff and I shag like a demon. I can't help wondering if she was lying about me being her first, but the thought of her and Buckbeak getting up close and personal...well that's just too gross to even contemplate.  
  
You know, the little ferret did catch the pair of us _'at it'_ the other night. I knew he was in the shadows wanking and it thrilled me to see his jaw drop when I pulled all the way out of Hannah just to give him an eyeful.  
  
Stupid bastard obviously doesn't have the goods, because he looked at me with pure loathing. 'Bout time I got one over a Malfoy.  
  
I'd still prefer to throw my leg over Hermione, but well, a bloke can't have everything, can he?  
  
**AUTHOR NOTE:** Many thanks to LeoGryffin for setting up, running and moderating such a great LJ community as 30 Minute Fics. This Interlude takes place in the same universe as, **_At Any Moment_**. It is an expansion on the first of Draco's entries and also draws on Hermione's first entry as well.


	6. My Year

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**_My Year_**  
  
I've always been rather good at chess, even if I do say so myself.  
  
I'm just sorry I let that knight sideswipe me and i didn't get a chance to go on with Harry and Hermione, but it's all water under the bridge and the Philosophers Stone is safe, so i suppose that's all that matters.  
  
Now all I need to do is get rid of this filthy headache.  
  
So why am I writing all of this down - seems odd to me to pen thoughts when I may as well just use a Pensieve or Auto-Quill to do the hard yards for me, but well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  
  
I can't believe my first year at Hogwarts is over. Ginny starts next year and Mum has the house to herself during the day. I wonder if she thinks it's going to feel strange or she's just biding her time and hoping that no one does anything stupid to ruin her chances of relaxing?  
  
I wonder what Mum does to relax?  
  
Anyway, I suppose I should just add a bit about Hermione and Harry. Who'd have thought I'd be friends with Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived and that he didn't turn out to be a wanker like Malfoy. i still can't believe it some days and it's like a wish coming true to think that Harry and I are mates and we actually like each other. I'm waiting for the bubble to burst and someone to wake me up and tell me to stop thinking above myself, but it hasn't happened so far, so I suppose the odds are it won't.  
  
I taught Harry to play chess, but he's really crap at understanding the strategy, which is strange. I mean he defeated He Who Must Not Be Named as a little baby, but he can't work out how to block my pawns or neutralise my bishop. I really hope when it comes time to face V...Vvv...him, that Harry has some sort of magical shield so he can get rid of You Know Who or at least send him away again. It's like he's an ordinary bloke, not a famous Wizard who can fly really, really well.  
  
Harry was made Seeker for Gryffindor - the youngest Seeker ever...I think. I mean he just makes it look so easy and I wish I could fly like that. I betcha the broom is part of his success. It has to be, doesn't it?  
  
But I suppose the strangest thing in all of this is that me and Harry get on really well with Hermione. She's a girl, but then I suppose that's just being stupid, what with me stating the obvious and all, but she's just so different from us and I still don't know how we all became friends.  
  
I mean she did lie about the troll and it was pretty cool of her to let Harry and me off the hook, but well - Why would she do that?  
  
She didn't have any friends and she is really irritating in class. She's always got her hand up and she knows the answers to stuff that even Fred and George have to think about. I wish I knew half the stuff that she does, but well I wish I could fly like Harry too. In fact, I reckon I'd prefer to fly like Harry than have Hermione's book knowledge.  
  
I'm planning to have people to tell me what to do, so why should I learn anything more than I have to? Hermione tells me that's a stupid attitude and that knowledge is the best way to get ahead. I told her that He Who Must Not Be Named is supposed to be really smart, but then perhaps smart equals evil.  
  
She got the shits with me and told me that if I pulled my head out of my ar...there, then I might just realise that the world did not revolve around food and sport.  
  
I've got news for her - my world does revolve around food and sport.  
  
So about this idea for a yearbook. Professor McGonagall says we'll all laugh about what we wrote as first years and it's a good way to look back and remember just what we thought was important. I don't know if what I've written makes sense, but this has been my first year, so maybe my priorities will change as things move along. I still want to hex Malfoy into the ground, but then I suppose maybe Hermione might be right. If I apply myself and learn my Charms and Hexes well, then I'll have more chance of turning Malfoy into a bit of dry toast than if I just have the idea that he's a little snotty tosser and be done with it.  
  
I just told Hermione to bugger off. She's leaning over me telling me what I should and shouldn't write. She said I really need to study as I can't Charm Malfoy into toast - I have to transfigure him.  
  
At this point in time, I know what I want to transfigure and Malfoy isn't at the top of my list just now.  
  
Bloody hell Hermione! Stop reading over my shoulder and what did you slap me for?

**AUTHOR NOTE:** Written originally for challenge 22 at 30 Minute Fics, an LJ Community set up, run and moderated by Leo Gryffin. All hail the industrious and wonderful Leo Gryffin! :)


	7. Sudz

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**_Sudz_**  
  
Decidedly decadent, that was the phrase and into the balmy evening of a set laden with enough bronzing oil to make the Exxon Valdese look like a minor trifle, the cast hove into view; a primped, preened and starched line of actors the likes of which were so over the top as to scare old ladies and make young men retch into their handmade Irish linen handkerchiefs.  
  
In a word, Severus thought it was his most perfect revenge. Those spoilt little brats could flex, preen and pout to their hearts content, unaware of the plethora of plot details waiting to find their magical outlet in the false balm of a Scottish winter. It'd be too late before they realised their sudden error and found themselves toasted and taunted into a sudsy haze.  
  
But how had this bizarre contrivance happened?  
  
...  
  
"What do you mean I only get three bloody dots and then I'm supposed to improvise my lines? I need lines, I need a script and I need to get to the Library," Hermione 'I've-got-brains-and-I'm-not-afraid-to-use-them' Granger ranted.  
  
"Look, Hermione, you have to follow the script. This is a murder mystery weekend and you..."  
  
"It's a fucking plot, Harry. Open your eyes for frigging Merlins sake. You might be the Boy-Who-Shagged-Everything-that-Moved...And-A-Few-Things-That- Didn't, but I'm the star of this production and don't you forget it."  
  
"How could I forget it, Hermione. You keep bitching in my ear about your grades, your men and the fact that you've been resurrected 27 times to play this part. I have to tell you - I really don't give a shit any more!"  
  
"How could you not give a shit, Harry. This part where you fight evil, flush out evil, fuck evil and..."  
  
"I only slept with Draco once, not that there was much sleeping, but well he was hot in his leather trousers and well, a bloke has to do what a bloke has to do, not that you'd understand it at all Sr Hermione 'I'd-like-To-get- My-Knickers-in-A-Twist-But-I-Don't-Own-Any' Bloody Granger.  
  
"CUT! - CUT!" Severus 'Have-I-Got-A-Twisted-Storyline-For-You' Fabio Snape yelled.  
  
"If you two imbeciles would look at the script instead of counting out how many times you get to shag a male or female member of the extras, we might just get this bloody story finished before my hair is as long and as white as Albus'. I've had a gutful of your whinging. You, Miss 'Can't-You- Concentrate-On-Anything-other-than-your-tally-of-orgasms' Granger need to meet up with Calliope...err...Ginny for your regular Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting."  
  
"I can't meet up with Ginny, as you well know. You wrote her out of Harry Potter and the Really Crappy Storyline. I think that was book number 22," Hermione 'You're-Treading-On-Thin-Ice' Granger continued.  
  
"Remember, you made her blow herself up with an ill timed AK that bounced back off the magical shield put up by some poncy Death Eater who was wanking whilst he watched her getting undressed. You said it'd make readers come back for the next movie and that your royalties would go through the fucking roof, S..."  
  
Harry was rudely interrupted by a rant of considerable size, as Severus 'I'm-Hung-Like-A-Hippogriff...So-they-Tell-Me' Snape swished his black robes around the erection of incredible size that was threatening to bulge out the front of his obviously handmade, but threadbare trousers.  
  
"ENOUGH!" Snape shouted, though in such a smooth, silky, dangerous way, that fanfic...err...soapy writers were swooning in the aisles and trying valiantly to think of a plot that would suit such a demanding, but smouldering character.  
  
Sweeping aside the females determined to hug his legs and his balls, Snape manoeuvred himself to a position in front of the extras and started casting around for a new lead instead of Harry 'No-Matter-How-many-Times-I-Give-Him- An-Impossibly-Rigged...err...Dangerous-Task-The-Little-Bastard-Still- manages-To-Beat...Bugger lost my train of thought' Potter still manages to beat Tom 'I've-Had-One-Too-Many-Acid-Peels' Riddle at the evil and domination game.  
  
"He likes to be dominated, Snape, or hadn't you worked that out? Harry 'I've-Seen-Larger-things-Crawl-out-of-A-Piece-of-Cheese' Potter taunted.  
  
"Well, you'd know, Mr 'Can't-You-Please-Do-Up-Your-Fly-As-You're-Making-Me- Feel-Ill' Potter, or are those whips and chains still missing from the props department?"  
  
"Hey! Harry, you told me you needed to practice your technique for Lord 'Just-Call-Me-the-Son-Of-Salazar' Voldemort, but I have to admit, it did open my eyes to some of your less obvious traits", Ron 'I-Always-Get-The- Crappy-Lines' Weasley interrupted.  
  
Muffled sobs off to the side of the set  
  
Pan to wide vision...  
  
Snape off to the side of the set, wringing his hands, gnashing his teeth and tearing at his hair in a touching rendition of every bloody death scene from every bloody soapy you can think of...  
  
"Pull yourself together, Severus 'It's-All-Been-Done-Before-So-Give-It-A- Rest-For-Fucks-Sake' Fabio Snape," Hermione 'Now-Why-Didn't-I-Think-of-That- First' Granger ruminated as she watched the sales of the books and movies plummet earthward like the Starship Enterprise after 170,000,000 renditions of the opening theme.  
  
Severus drew back from the Auto-Pensieve and calculated that along with the mutilations, face lifts, acid peels, bronzing oil and 38 years he'd wasted trying to relive the glory days of the first seven books, and that even though he'd bought out the rights to any and all sudisized offshoots of the original, life was definitely not fair and he was destined always to be thwarted...even in a bloody Soap Opera!

**AUTHOR NOTES:** Lacking a script, an ending or a definable beginning, but I had fun. I ditched the idea of using Aussie shows, though they would have filled the criteria admirably... This was originally written for challenge 23 at 30 Minute Fics, an LJ community for Harry Potter Fanfiction. The premise was to imagine Hogwarts as one large, ever repeating soap opera. You can tell I don't watch too many soapies. ;)


End file.
